Jessica and I celebrated our 12th anniversary yesterday. It has been a wonderful journey of joining our lives and living them out together, and I couldn’t be a happier man.

Yesterday we went on a date to to see the new Avengers: Age of Ultron movie and to an antique mall to do a little shopping. In both of those we found one of the secrets to a long and loving marriage.

So what do those two have in common?

A reminder of the power of touch.

Even if you’ve never seen one of the Avengers movies, I’m sure you’ve seen the Incredible Hulk sometime in your life. An over-sized raged filled beast who can throw cars and tantrums longer than any baby I’ve ever met.

In the newest movie, Black Widow has the ability to help the Hulk turn back to the normal and mild Bruce Banner with a “lullaby.” She gets in close, says, “Hey, big guy,” takes off her glove and reaches out her hand to him. As he reaches back and touches her skin, he loses all the anger and rage that cause him to be the Hulk and returns to normal.

All through the power of touch.

What does that have to do with an antique mall?

Well, as we looked at jewelry in the case we struck up a conversation with the lady running the store. We mentioned it was our 12th anniversary, and she said she and her husband were going on 39 years.

The secret she said: touch.

I’ll put it in her words for a second:

My husband actually wasn’t much of a toucher at first. But now if I walk by without touching him, he calls me back and says, “Hey!” [she then shook her shoulder in the air, imitating him asking for the touch from her]

We’re talking about sex, right?

Sorry, no. While sex is an important aspect of a healthy marriage, we’re talking about the little touches throughout the day.

To most of the guys now (although this could go for either person in the couple): if you don’t find ways to touch her throughout the day – and I’m not talking about grabbing her butt! – you’ll find that she isn’t into sex as much as she doesn’t feel connected to you; and she needs that first.

We’re talking about not coming into a room or leaving it without making contact at least once. We’re talking about reaching out when you’re watching TV and just stroking her hair slowly. When you’re driving, reaching over to run your hand up and down his leg.

Alberto Gallace (of the University of Milan-Bicocca) and Charles Spence (Oxford University) did a review of the studies done on interpersonal touch (2010) and found that not only does touch release oxytocin (which helps create lasting relationship bonds), it does something amazing that even the Hulk needs.

If you’ve been touched by your loved one BEFORE stress happens, you have a lower blood pressure AND your heart rate increases, giving you the ability to better handle stress when it does come up.

The real world application:

So, you’ve spent the week gently touching each other here and there (outside of having sex!) and now you get in an argument. Not only are you more connected through a stronger relationship bond, you’re better able to handle the stress. Translation: you’re both more able to work through the argument in a healthy way.

Healthy touch = healthy arguments = healthy relationships.

Our challenge to couples: spend the week trying to find a few moments of loving touch throughout the day. I learned from the model of my Aunt Kay + Uncle Dave that you never leave home without saying “I love you.” I put this in the same camp; never leave home without a kind touch in the morning.

At night, take a bit of attention away from the TV and put it to stroking your lover’s hair.

I like to think of it as any times our paths cross, we reach out and touch each other. It’s a physical reminder of our lives – we’re not always together but we share a connection that lasts long past our coming and going. It even works as we criss-cross around the aisles of the antique mall.

Do this a day at a time and you might wake up 12 (or 39) years later next to your beloved wondering where the time has gone and ready for some antique shopping.